Awaiting the verdict, again


feels like i’m awaiting the verdict … again.

i know you are doing your caring best, but this is the second time in 4 days that i feel on tenterhooks.  it is the second time in 6 days that i’ve suggested just lunch across our 2 cities, just something for a moment in the same time & space.

part of me wants to beat you to the punch, the punch i felt 1am Monday morning when i read your email, the destination, the purpose of which i couldn’t fathom, but that sounded past-tense to me.

i am distracted from work and those around me.  the dogs sense it.  Sunday, they worried.  Birdy literally stood watch, faced me all afternoon.

the signature “jaybird” we’ve used connotes a fun, caring and joy that i do not feel now.

this makes me sad, and tear up, like i don’t remember when.

we have had a couple of sweet moments, but mostly it’s been work for us, with little fun.

we are both doing our best.  we both care.  we don’t love each other but there’s something and it’s there.

when we look back it will be clear that our demons don’t play well together.

these things do not end better than they started.

we both know what we need to do with this.

i feel there’s little we’ve left unsaid.