Less culpable at her funeral?

M, B

In the spirit of helping out, thoughts below, longer & more poorly-organized than I’d hoped, but work calls

BLUF:  we aren’ t doing her any favors, rather, we could be doing more and tough love has a place



I’m gonna offer this:

Ma’s health care is overall poorly-managed, for wholly understandable & predictable reasons. 

The other night Ma said to me

“We need help”

I  watched & was part of her active role in the grandparents’ &  T’s health care.  I’m personally not going to undertake that level  of soul-suck & time-suck, but I do feel like she made a difference.   Maybe we could, some. Perhaps 1 or some of us will decide to try. Who  can say?

I mostly look forward to the Fambly Zooms.  I would rather focus on the kids instead of a litany of still-can’t-shit  ailments. A sympathy sync is one thing.  I do think though the  potential to do more than occasionally lift spirits warrants a  discussion by brothers who are invested, interested or care to attend.   For example, I confess to disappointment when my doctor appointment “fly on the wall”, 3rd party”, “second set of eyes”, lifeline idea gained zero traction, action or even discussion among the peanut gallery. 

In  Fambly Zoom, I hear rosy portrayals, pep talks & “Go Team!”  moments.  If this were J, O, D, D flunking outta  geometry, how would your tack be different?   Does pandering to MP make  it feel less likely that we’ll be called upon to do something?

 I  feel that P’s support & leadership successes are episodic.  He’s smart, but we’ve learned with 2 financial episodes that his gift is  not managing things.

Yesterday  in Balto, E & discussed Ma’s situ w JHMI ICU nurses G &  M. They clarified what the ER is & isn’t for.  M is  studying @ Georgetown to be a PA, taking a course in “Adult Health  Assessments”.  Like Ma being gobsmacked at HCGH ER some weeks ago,  unable to convey her medical history, the “poor historian” is a known  thing. It is a teaching point.  95% is on the patient, not the doctor.  

“I need a double-shot of Colace”

is for the GP, not the ER.  She needs to use her GP more.  

G said:

“I’ve got gunshots & people stroking-out, your back hurts?  We’re not gonna kick you out, but you’re gonna wait a while”

MP  need a system: tools, lifelines, documents, SOPs to be their own most  effective advocates.  We know that if/when offered, they might/not be  used at all or effectively, those horses might not drink the water.  Perhaps just the leading there though, will eventually help us sleep  better and feel less like shitbags standing around at the funeral home. 

Accountability & tough love w MP feel conspicuous by their absence.  

What if P said



“I’m not taking your constipated obstructed self down gun-alley to Johns Hopkins cuz you can’t poop. I’ll  drop you off at HoCo General and you can call me when you’re done.  I’m  not gonna stay in the parking lot and freeze my ass off”

What if we offered some tough love ourselves, as a team?

Is  is possible to get P on board?  Will his pride get in the way?    Will decades of tyranny by Ma & subsequent lack of fighting spirit  mean that he just won’t?

Brothers, can we not find a way to do 10% of what Ma did for her family?  

Can  we not present a unified front?  I often feel like the harsh one, the  dick, in the Zoom room.  I’m also not the smartest or most effective  person in the room, so there’s more to be gained than I can offer. 

Choosing  to opt-out of these reindeer games and irritatingly dramatic emails  like this one from me, is each of our prerogative.  “Donor fatigue”  is a thing.  Care is finite.  I myself weary of this whole thing. I  have considered checking-out many times. I still do. Perhaps one fine  day I’ll stick w my decision to check-out. 

You both know that leadership can relieve people, lift a burden.  There’s an opportunity for it here, if unified.  

I’ll suggest a Fambly Zoom w brothers only. 

If  interested, talk amongst yourselves. Figure out a time for it &  lemme know. I’m just the janitor here, I bet I can make it. 

Okay, gotta go to work. 

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